capitalism – deep thoughts hard feelings

i have started to consider this past summer as my season of hammock therapy. i spent a fair amount of time in my hammock reading…lots and lots of reading, but mostly i listened.

i heard the early morning birds, the late night birds, the coyotes, i listened for the lobos that are returning. i heard animals walking through the dry grass. the wind through the trees and the ropes holding me aloft. i heard rivers and streams, and the ground soaking in the rain.

and i heard my breath.

i heard my heart pumping.

i got quiet and still

i searched inward.

i’ve never really gone to formal therapy, for various reasons. and it is only recently that i have thought of hammock time as therapy time, and since i have, it makes me wonder how do people go to therapy for an hour once a week or once a month and heal what they are working on? no judgement, just wonder. for me, spending a coupe hours out hiking or biking or running for my “therapy” i feel great for the rest of the day, maybe two or three. then i can see myself sliding back into the behaviors and habits.

i guess some professions call this extended time away from work as a sabbatical. i saved up money so i wouldn’t have to “work” for a period of time, and this time i had a project to work on, and that project was me. i knew i couldn’t keep doing what i’ve been doing, but didn’t know what other options i had.

spending this time out of social bounds, i felt more connected to place than i have in maybe ever. unlike the other adventures i’ve gone on, this one had no itinerary no agenda or theme, so if i fell into the silver city vortex, no one was waiting for me to come up and out. i opened and allowed specific places to totally captured my heart. places i will return to again and again in some way. places i want to build relationships with.

what broke apart in me in my hammock sessions are the walls i’ve spent decades building as a buffer to a world that i do not understand. it seemed easier and easier to put up another brick then realize that the systems in place will never address the issues of violence and injustice i have spent a lifetime fighting.

swinging, suspended in the air, i no longer felt separate from but a belonging to. my identity larger then the labels i claimed or the ones slapped on me. i was beginning to get a glimpse of what liberation could feel like. out here i always feel safer. nature never bullied or beat me for being queer.

what i feel and believe is that i thought i wanted to decolonize myself: my mind, my automatic thoughts and ideas about the world and the beings in it. and i guess that is part of it. but i don’t want to de-anything. i want to re. i want to reconnect. relearn. release the unnecessary…re-member and the only way i can do that is by paying attention to what is out there that truly matters like the birds that greet me at times of day. the sun and moon and planets as they move in their cycles. how my cycles and moods and energy levels switch in rhythm with them. these are the things they didn’t teach me in school. i am learning them from beautiful beings that have been on this journey for along time and are sharing their knowledge. i am learning that these are now the keys for me to unlock something that got lost and hidden in me before i was even born.

in the opening of the essay“no spiritual surrender”, klee benally writes “For Diné there is no dichotomy between spirit and nature, we are of this Earth, and so where there is an environmental crisis there is also a social crisis.” he goes on to explain that there can be no justice on stolen land. where the land/water/air is being violated via resource extraction, there is also exploitation of humans and other lives. it is no wonder we have an epidemic of disconnection. we see it in the numbers addicted to so many substances and behaviors, as well as extensive levels of depression, anxiety, isolation, suicide…

so back to the hammock mind. back to the places i feel whole. my feet on dry land or river beds and ocean shorelines. back to my breath. back to knowing where the sun, moon, and planets are in their cyclical dances. back to my heart. how do i take this feeling into everyday life and language? how do i keep from sliding back into contributing to a capitalist mindset? how do i live in this culture engaged in an abusive relationship. how do we keep this revolution from being commodified like che t-shirts sold at the GAP and rainbow capitalism? can we use this connection to subvert capitalism and the separation and violence it brings with it?

i want to explore how we can break down language and words to get to the stories that got us so fucked up and hating, justified though “science” and language, nationalism, pride, glorified violence. can we tell a different story thank reconnects us?

what is your hammock moment?

“Anyway I don’t think we can rely on governments, regardless of who is in power, to do the work that only mass movements can do.”
― Angela Y. Davis, Freedom is a Constant Struggle

does anyone else find it odd that we kick off a massive buying season the day after “thanksgiving”? i know “black friday” sales start way before, and christmas decorations might as well not even come down anymore. or that the truce between hamas and israel is during the biggest buying frenzy of the year when corporations (and therefore politicians) need people in shops, not the streets?

this holiday season, i thought, was for bracing for the coming winter months of rest, going inward away from the cold, to embrace time with the people close to you, celebrating a good harvest, and put food away for a season of limited resources.

yet, somehow we have decided to go full force and buy all the things, spend all the money, buy all the affection, and get gobsmacked somewhere mid-january with credit card debt or inability to pay rent or keep the heat on in the depths of winter.

i can remember the first thanksgivings when suddenly some members of my family started spending part of the day, going through the newspaper for the best sales and making lists and creating some kind of strategy for the next day devoted to shopping. i was very confused. it used to be the day that me and my cousins went with grandma to get our own new ornament to put on our christmas trees. it was a nice outing. we’d come back and eat leftovers and watch some football or go out and play our own games or ride bikes, go find our friends, and enjoy a day.

it was about this time i stopped going “home” for this and subsequent holidays.

i’ve always struggled especially with thanksgiving. i once heard ben franklin proposed that this federal holiday be a fasting holiday. but i guess there is just no money to be made on a fasting holiday. this also makes us the only culture that does not have a fasting holiday.

i have had several nice 4th thursdays of november where groups of friends had pot lucks or we went camping, or just got away together to enjoy the rare mutual day off. and i want to have a time and a place to gather to celebrate a good harvest, a beautiful growing season, i time of reflection to make the moment when we should go inward, to repair, to rest, to plan, and prepare for the next growing time a deep celebration, but capitalism has other plans. and those plans have seeped deep into a colonized mindset and patterns of unhealthy behavior.

then i learned about buy nothing day!

what?!

a whole day where i don’t have to go out and buy anything. well, usually i end up buying coffee at the LOCAL coffee shop on my way to an animal rights rally (typically an anti-fur protest). i’ve participated in this event every year since i first learned about it, so probably about 25 years? usually, my purchases would only be coffee (as mentioned) and gas as i returned from my retreat from the insane world that was working in a produce department at a natural foods grocery store the wednesday before thanksgiving provides.

then i moved to new mexico where places are closed at some point during the week. some are closed on sunday. many are closed monday and/or tuesday. i’ve seen a few close on wednesday. and if you live in a ski town anywhere in this country, they will close or open late for a powder day! brilliant! it made me think of growing up in kansas with the blue laws where places had to be closed on sunday. sure it was for “christian” religious reasons. what i remember most was how quiet our little town was. i could ride my bike around with few cars to share the road with. there is a certain feeling that comes when we all have a day of rest at the same time. and there are many cultures and religions that have this weekly or specific times of the year, but not capitalist systems.

this summer i was talking to my buddy up in oregon whom i have participated in buy nothing day/animal rights protests. he had a brilliant idea to make buy nothing day a weekly or monthly gig instead of once a year.

yes! i am in!

and i am.

starting this monday, november 27th i will be celebrating buy nothing day every monday. the current global events have spurred me into this action. but what has really spurred me on to adopt this project is what is going on in the world from the wars to climate collapse and what they all have in common is capitalism. in the future i will break some of these down more, but the current issues that have come back up to the forefront of my consciousness is 2 things, the bdsm and war tax resistance.

i first learned about the boycott, divest, sanction movement (bdsm) years ago when i began to learn more about the palestinian liberation movement. with the escalated israeli genocidal occupation of palestine and gaza i’ve been reminded of this movement and the corporations to pay attention to have been updated (i have a link to this project below). the american and global corporations that support israel’s occupation and their attacks on the people of palestine need to be held accountable and this is one way to do it every day. it is how we can continue the work when we are not in the streets.

these war crimes are supported by these same people with names and addresses participating in other operations around the world, especially in the global south, and they have been for a very long time! but they can’t do it if they don’t have our money. and they get our money not just by us buying their crap, but also from the taxes we pay. these same taxes that could be paying for healthcare, education (college loan debts), investments in schools, teacher pay, social services, mental health care….instead of war, bailing out banks that have been stealing peoples’ money, industries that ran themselves into the ground because they pay executives ridiculous amounts of money…. so now people are getting interested in war tax resistance again.

we have more power than we think we do! women of color have been trying to remind us of that forever. audre lorde has some wonderful poems, speeches, and quotes on using our power to resist these systems that want to hold us down to keep us controlled and alexis pauline gumbs, phd has been reminding us of these amazing ancestors with her powerful and beautiful poems and words as well. many women, especially women of color and queer folks, once again, are leading the way.

and they lead the way, not only by their words, but their actions, their art, music, food, and but by how they live their lives. who they support, what and who they read HOW they read and think about the world around us all. and reminding us of the beauty that can come when we find our agency and our way to our good path one step at a time.

this is a long road. a work of many lifetimes. a dedication to a life that brings everyone along. that will look different than the american dream that we have been fed since we took our first breath in this world.

so i’d like to offer up to anyone who might be interested to pick a day each week or each month to buy nothing, not a thing (and i vow to not even go out for coffee or gas). it’ll take some planning and thinking to make sure you are prepared, but it’ll come along. see how you feel when you invite your pals over for a homecooked meal or a nice stroll around the neighborhood instead of going out for food or beers. it is strongly liberating to know that for today, i did not feed the wheel of capitalism. who knows maybe one day you’ll suddenly find yourself handing out free sandwiches to migrants who just crossed the border looking for a safer place for their families.

if you do choose to participate in a boycott, i do suggest an active boycott if you can. to let people know why you are not buying their stuff or services. and then also to those whom you do consciously choose to buy from. positive feedback goes a long way when one is setting course against a powerfully backed stream.

some links for the curious:

a litany for survival by audre lorde

boycott divestment sanctions movement

buy nothing day project