of pride and genocide

i have a complicated relationship with pride. i have enjoyed many massive (and not so massive) gatherings of queer folks celebrating the work it took to get to the point of being less likely to get killed to go flirt. i like to think of pride as one of those memorial moments kind of holidays. when we get to recognize those who came before us who fought for where we are now and recognize the work still to be done. a time to celebrate, but also, perhaps, a time to re-gather re-focus as we re-member for the next push. to let those who come after us know “here are our shoulders, please climb up and go beyond us.” for, as fannie lou hamer taught us, “nobody is free until everybody’s free”.

and in the words of marsha p. johnson, “no pride for some of us without liberation for all of us.”

i came fully disillusioned with pride with marriage equality, or equality in general. for me, that was the moment of full-on assimilation politics in queer activism. fighting for “gay marriage” did not give queer folks the same rights as hetero marriage. lawsuit after lawsuit proved that. partners denied healthcare, deported, denied housing, fired. hell, some have even been about who makes the fucking wedding cake!…as far as i can tell, it just adjusted how you might file your taxes. sure, it varies from state to state, job to job. who did benefit? companies who make money off the celebrations. as i’ve said before…i’m all for celebrating people making public the desire to make a go of a consensual committed relationship, however that looks to those involved.

gay marriage was also, perhaps, a reaction to those white middle-classish gays/lesbians reaching for the american dream. i mean, how many times in my early coming out days did people respond with “ya that’s fine, but i’m sad because you’ll never experience marriage and kids…” my usual response was a shrug, but in my head was “who said i wanted any of that?”*

anyway, i’ve gotten distracted…pride has become a piece of the assimilation…rainbow capitalism.

but last night i went to a kick-off to pride event in el paso. it was at the neep collective, a place that has built up a collection of food trucks around an outdoor bar that also includes a decent amount of n/a options. there is a stage, outside games, misting fans, and shade.i had been wanting to check it out, i was hungry, and this seemed a good reason to make the journey south.

i had a nice time.

i had some vegan foods (even dessert), some good bevies, the non-food vendors were not just a bunch of rainbow paraphernalia. various artists were selling their goods. in fact, really, the only rainbow stuff was at the local pride organization’s table, which is fitting.

between bands, the woman who organizes, maybe one of the owners or managers, came up to the mic to make some announcements and thank people for coming out (i don’t think there was a pun intended there). she said a goal of creating neep, was to create a safe space for people, and she got a little teary with that. and i think that may have been what brought me out last night, i needed a safer place for just a couple hours. a moment where there was one less thing i would have to look over my shoulder about or filter what i overheard around me.

i’ve had mixed feelings about celebrating anything lately with the genocide in gaza escalating exponentially since october. let’s be clear this genocide has been going on since 1948. and it is not the only one happening right now.

i’ve been reflecting on what we have done in the past when other such atrocities have been happening, and one constant has been that we must also keep living and creating. while we celebrate, we must bring other voices with us, just as we must bring all parts of ourselves. i recently found an interesting piece of inspiration in albert camus. i stumbled across his essay called “create dangerously: the power and responsibility of the artist”.

there are a few lines that hit in a particular way, “…beauty has never enslaved anyone. quite the opposite. on every day, at every moment, for thousands of years, beauty has consoled millions of people in their servitude, and, sometimes even freed some of them forever.”

we find this tension between beauty and pain over and over again in stories of not just the tortured artist, but in music, poetry, and traditional stories throughout the ages of survival and triumph of the “common folk”.

it is this final paragraph of the essay that hits hard for me, …” hope is awakened, given life, sustained, by the millions of individuals whose deeds and actions, every day, break down borders and refute the worst moments in history, to allow the truth – which is always in danger – to shine brightly, even if only fleetingly, the truth, which every individual builds for us all, created out of suffering and joy.”

again, this tension is something all of us hold whether we consider ourselves artists or not. it is the beauty we each hold within us, our purpose in life is to create, to participate in the beauty that is in this world full of life.

i feel that the queer community, specifically those of us who want to break down the gender binary (hell, let’s be honest, all binaries) has a unique opportunity. we should be able to see through the pink and rainbow washing used to manipulate us into being against the people of gaza. on a personal note, it was a group of queer jewish people, born in israel that deepened my awareness of what has been happening in palestine. they had even been part of the israeli military as required by the government. speaking out and letting people know what has been happening, they believed was part of their responsibility.

it is for these reasons that i believe it is important to use this time, the month of pride, when we are given more opportunities to speak out and up, to use this privileged place to speak out for those whose voices are being drowned out. when those using social media to inform us around the world about the violence perpetrated by those using mass media to lie and manipulate, to literally kill the press and justify violence, we use art, beauty, creativity to shine a light on the truth. as queer folk, we have a unique lens to project the stories needed to get out.

those of us who have any leverage of privilege, of a platform within our oppression, have a responsibility to use it. freedom, such as it is, does have a responsibility. it is what true democracy looks like. true democracy is taking to the streets, or writing a story, or speaking out, dancing, or more than anything, listening when others are saying “this is wrong and here is what needs to happen”. instead of saying not all ______ say yup we are also complacent and responsible regardless of intention. as long as we live in this system, we have to be accountable.

for that is where assimilation politics is really masterful. “here is your right to____, now get in line behind us”. and we do. we get in line and pay the taxes that pay for the bombs, the soldiers, the cops. for if the right to ____ really made a difference, we would not have been “given” it. we will never be given a right that gives us any leverage to actually change the system that depends on obedience….so disobey. create. create dangerously. like your life depends on it, because your authentic, the life that truly matters, does.

so yes, i think, pride in a time of genocide is possible, but it should not be just another decadent over-priced party.

*full disclosure. i did have a commitment ceremony with my first partner-partner. in a way it was part of a joke. a story i can tell you some day if your interested, but mostly it was one of those things you do in a relationship, sometimes, a compromise that seemed fine. it was extremely important to her, i didn’t think one way or another then. it wasn’t a legal issues, just us making a public commitment to one another…an agreement and an ask for support for those who attended. when that agreement ended, so did the relationship. no lawyers or paperwork needed. just the mending of two broken hearts.

**disobedience looks different for us all. i don’t know that taking to the streets is for me anymore. i’ve done so much of that already but never say never. for some it can be encampments on campus (we built shanty towns in response to the apartheid in south africa), it can be marches, signs outside as we picket a company or government. it can be making food behind the scenes, or hugs when our friends return, it is self-care, its child-care, elder care, its fighting for clean air and water so we have a future to live in, it can be stepping in when someone says something harmful, its learning what our neighbor needs to feel safer, if the power goes out are they on some life giving system that needs attention, does their battery on an motorized wheelchair need charged/changed, or refrigerated medication. maybe it is a long run or bike ride to feel better prepared to face the world on a regular basis, (i see you, fellow customer service folks who experience the best and worse in people every dang day and it is exhausting), its teachers, its feeding yourself, or family,….there are endless ways to take action. each persons’ gift is unique. this is no place for shame. just please respond grounded and intentional.

assimilation politics

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i had the fortune to see gloria anzaldua lecture once. it was at the queer studies conference in iowa city. she was one of the keynote speakers. she gave a lecture i shared often when i was asked to guest lecture on identity.

anzaldua spoke on identity, of knowing who you are. she used an analogy of thinking of yourself as a tree. your identity as the roots that hold you firmly in place. you must know all these parts of you, and own them, accept them. otherwise, when those mighty cultural winds come, and they will come, you will get blown away.

i go back to this lecture frequently. especially as i change and grow as this culture continues to try and box people in and tell us who we are… it’s a marketing strategy. i especially think about it when i try to sort out identity politics. i’ve never been a fan of identity politics.

do my politics influence my idenity, or does my identity influence my politics?

should they even be connected?

for me knowing who i am and what i stand for is key to simply moving in this world.

but should this be a factor in politics?

i should be voting for someone because they are going to guide our community in a good way. in a way that helps our community be a healthy and thriving community with good roads and schools. that makes sure that we have clean air and clean water. to find ways for all who want shelter to have a safe place to find rest.

is this possible in capitalist culture?

my idenity of being queer, or female, or the color of my skin should never have become a part of our politics, and it saddens me that these are the issues that have become our rallying cries every couple of years.

every couple of years the issues shift and change, distracting us from what could really build stronger healthier communities. they make us fight for our right to exist instead of why we have allowed fracking and other extractive industries that are polluting our groundwater and poisoning all it comes in contact with.

don’t get me wrong, we need to fight these anti-trans bills, anti-abortion, anti-immigration, well anything that is anti-some human beings trying to live. but these issues should never have gotten into the political ring.

so i’ve been thinking about anzaldua’s lecture on identity, trees, and roots.

in a healthy intact forest, those roots of individual trees are tangled in with other roots of other trees, and bushes, and plants, and rocks and mycelium, of micro-organisms. all these roots are forms of communication and interaction. they help other trees they aren’t even near. they can send nourishment when another tree is ailing, or warn them of an incoming threat.

this is community

this is community organizing. those roots don’t care what kind of plant they are sharing information and nourishment with. they simply do it to keep a healthy thriving forest.

maybe this is one reason i feel safer in an intact ecosystem then i do in a city.

it is also why i feel that voting in our current system is a “what’s the point” kind of practice.

voting is another way of assimilation. in fact, if one follows the suffragist movements in this country, it is only after a particular group has assimulated enough that they get to vote. or we let them vote as long as they pay taxes, and stay in line.

a two-party system whose purpose is to keep power concentrated is never going to have a system that will bring about its own demise. it is rigged to ensure there is some small measure of pavlovian treats handed out while they continue to beat us for not playing the game correctly.

what’s more, is that it feels to me that this need to keep narrowing down identities keeps us fighting and diverting OUR personal and collective resources fighting one another so we don’t pay attention to those empowered committing genocide with our votes and tax dollars. it is a political divide and conquer/conquer and divide strategy that has never ended.

i’m not saying don’t vote.

also not saying do vote.

do what you need to do.

but when we have a government calling citizens who are fighting fascists in this country, domestic terrorists, we have a deep-seeded problem that is not going to go away at the ballot box.

this is a battle that is going to have to go deep into our roots, to what connects us to one another, and all other living beings. not as a democren or republicrate, but as a living being in community.

it starts with ourselves, knowing who we are, what nourishes us. what do we, as individuals and collectively need to say no to, in order to say yes to another world?

un-wrap this

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it should come as no surprise that i struggle with the holidaze

this year is an exception in that i just can’t…couldn’t

the apocalypse is just too much this year

and let me explain the part of apocalypse that i mean…the part that is about the unveiling the revealing what is being hidden, covered up.

i kinda felt, as many others around the world, that we should just all cancel christmas, or totally change it up this year. recognize what it truly means deep down for each of us, once bethlehem canceled all their activities, events, celebrations… i mean if the birthplace of christ is cancelling the birthday party should the rest of us show up? and santa’s north pole has melted so….

so i was all prepared to go inward. do my work. lay low (usually my goal), but i woke to the news that israel bombed bethlehem. fucking bombed bethlehem on christmas day! paid for and sponsored by the u.s.

my personal theme for this year has been “when someone shows you who they are believe them” well world…here is israel. and the u.s. and great britain. and europe

i wish i could say i was surprised, but i unfortunately was not.

i’ve read too much.

i learned about zionism vs judaism by reading books and talking to former Israeli soldiers. i’ve gone to talks featuring palestinians who have found some kind of refuge in the u.s. where they have talked about all the palestinian homes they have been to having these little wooden boxes holding keys to the homes they hope to one day get to return to. stories of settlers, colonizers showing up at these home to claim them as their own with warm food still on the table, fire in the oven, in the hearth, that is how much time they had to escape their homes. the advantage of traveling the way i do (on foot, by bike, moving slow, talking to strangers) i get to hear stories. i get to hear music that tells stories. the land tells stories. things unfold and open up to be studied and unlearned. something in my life i am without a doubt grateful for, even for the things i did not want to know.

so ya, you can color me many different colors, but surprised is not one of them.

nothing has changed since 1948 for the palestinians. escalations for sure, but constant violence from the zionist, that has not.

so, anyway, i got curious as to how far away bethlehem is from the gaza strip and just kind went down a google-map rabbit hole of the area. at first i got a little confused because palestine is not listed on the map at fucking all! nowhere! gaza is. and the 1950 line, but palestine is not named anywhere. so i looked it up…google maps has never had it ever. even with public outcry….nope has not changed it. could be one way google got on the boycott, divest, sanction movement list?

what i did find? a hotel by banksy! yup! a pro-palestinian art hotel! (it is called the walled off hotel if you want to check it out) looks freaking rad. probably not there any more. in fact when you click on a place you want to visit in the area (like all the national parks and such) you get this little note that says “information about this place may be outdated. always pay attention to real-world conditions, which may be rapidly changing”. geez!

so ya, Bethlehem was bombed on christmas day. should have made the spirit of the palestinian born and raised christ very at home.

so what do we do when hand ringing and sending hope and prayers fail us?

what do we do when our “leaders” show us who they are? when we realize they have all done this? when we see that our tax dollars bought and paid for it while we have our own crisis going on here?

these question usually lead me to what am i covering up in myself? where am i complacent? what do i need to get honest about to myself?

is it any wonder we are a heavily medicated society?

if it helps…

for most cultures throughout time, time like the rest of all things, is not linear but cyclical. it may indeed feel like the end of the world, but it is not. the cycles keep moving, the season do change but things will not look familiar except of course when they do.

what we take forward with us with what we leave behind (process digest assimilate release) maybe that is what we take with us as we cycle through this moment.

to me the exciting thing about an apocalypse is the opportunity to do the uncovering. to see the fallacies as to see that there have always been those who see though the smoke and mirrors. they tend to be our storytellers, our healers, and the persecuted. but without seeing and feeling what it is in us that needs healed, well we just keep repeating the same bullshit each cycle.

its work

its the work of lifetimes

so might as well get to it

pitter-patter

just a moment in time

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yemen

who would have thought it

i’ve been looking for who is doing what needs to be done in this moment

honestly

i’ve been deeply pissed off and i can’t say disappointed because none of it is surprising, but i just

it never cieses to amaze me how wacked the industrial world is

for 75 day…for 75 years, israel has been inflicting genocidal violence on the palestinian people. now bombing the shit out of gaza, with no concern even for their own people caught in the crossfire

on top of it cop28 was held in dubie… one of if not the most oil rich state in the world, with the most fossil fuel lobbyist ever in attendance for a global conference on the climate crisis? seriously?

then

then the person of the year is announced by time magazine, and it is taylor swift…again?

and the word of the year is rizz so i guess that does go together, but really?

the world is coming together in support of palestine in so many ways. taking to the streets. calling for global general strikes. mass demonstrations all over the world. major boycotts that are having major impacts.

and then there is yemen

yemen. an impoverished arab state with a humanitarian crisis of its own, and what do they do? they perhaps take the biggest stand/risk of any nation-state. they block all ships wanting to move supplies through the red sea, forcing them to reroute around the continent of africa! this has huge corporation like bp to stop shipping in the area. bp who has held huge fossil fuel contracts with israel (as does the eu, great britain, and the u.s.

if yemen can do this

if the journalists of palestine can risk their lives every moment of every day so we can be informed

if the palastinian artists can still find ways to sing and create moments of joy

if the sun still rises

and the seasons still turn

what can i do

what do i risk

what i want to say here is, there are so many things going on in the world right now and so many capitalist distractions to keep us from taking action but making sure we go holiday shopping. so many feelings that make me freeze in my steps to the point i feel like i just can’t move

and then

yemen

yemen found their point of power in the situation, the thing they could do.

i want to be like yemen

i don’t have much to offer, but i do have a vision

and in this vision i can see who i want to support and how i can do that isn’t always evident, but i am learning about where i want to put my money (not that i have much) how i want to get my food, what i want to read, listen to (silence, birds, rain), the pace i want to move my life…these things we each have when we strip away the distractions and reveal our own true and deep values not attached to should’s or suppose to’s, but to that inner knowing. i hope in these times, as in all times, you are finding that stillness in yourself that gives space to go out in the world and be your unique you.

p.s. my person of the year would be courtney dewalter, or sally mcrae, or maybe alok, or the whole crew of reservation dogs, or maybe it is all my good pals that inspire me to get up each day. but really, why do we want to put one person at the top of a list every fucking year? none of them got there on their own. it takes all of us so lets celebrate the coming light of a new season.

p.p.s. i also don’t know why we need a word of the year. go out there and use all of them. make some up. be your own dictionary

just staying alilve

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i can’t remember how young i was when i learned that the rda is bullshit. i think i was in middle or high school. i know i was starting to learn about nutrition while also just having ice cream and candy bars from the machines in the lunch cafeteria because it was cheap and easy and lunchtime was stressful as a queer kid in kansas.

it was probably a day when i grabbed the q-r volume of the encyclopedia botanica on my way to hide in my closet.

so when i learned that the recommended daily allowance set by the u.s. government was only the recommendation for the average human to stay alive. not thrive. not to be a healthy well functioning human, but to just stay alive…i kinda lost my shit.

reading a little further i learned the rda only came about in 1941, during world war 2 because they couldn’t find healthy enough people to fight in the war, so it became an issue of national defense…health and war. soooo what? we only care about the health of people when we need them to go off and kill and die? (deep thoughts hard feelings)

so with this in the back of my mind, i started digging into what a living wage means.

i have worked for a couple of places now that have bragged, lead with even, that they paid a living wage for the county they operate in. so after getting paid a “living wage” a couple times now, and still barely getting by, chalking it up to the ever increasing costs of housing, i decided to look up how m.i.t. calculates living wages. https://livingwage.mit.edu/ is where you can find yours.https://livingwage.mit.edu/counties/35055 is where you can find the one for where i currently live.

a few things i have found when i’ve looked at the ones for where i live (i use single no children) is the housing cost is not even close to what i can find available in my area. they list $9816 or a little over $800 a month. when i look for an apartment, if i can find one available, the lowest is around $1200 a month. many require first, last, and deposit, so about $3600 to get into a place (not calculated in the living wage calculator by the way). if i just want to rent a room, i could get by with $600 to $800 a month. again, if you can even find a place available that a bunch of other people aren’t also applying for. when i talk about this, people say “ya, that’s everywhere though” and “thanks air bnb”. ok so let’s move to transportation.

the transportation line comes to $411 a month. that is supposed to cover the cost of gas, oil, maintenance, insurance of a used car or truck, but not the actual purchasing of a vehicle, nor saving for a relplacement when needed. it also includes the option of public transportation. one place i worked, many people on staff road bikes or were close enough to walk to work. some drove cars or trucks, or were dropped off by a member of their household, so this figure was pretty close to right when factoring in daily transportation because we could use the combo of bike and light rail to get around a major metroplex, if we are just looking at getting to and from work/home. however, as the cost of housing pushed us further away from work this became more problematic. the company that runs the ski valley i work in does offer a free shuttle service that is pretty convenient in the busier season, but is extremely limited right now. also, gets super packed to standing room only; not fun during covid times or the final miles up a winding mountain road covered in snow.

ok, so let’s get to a line item that, at first i got excited about: civic

i thought, ok some of this really makes it tough on folks, but here is a line item that maybe factors in how people can be more civically active, do civic duties like jury duty, or be able to go to city council meetings, get time off to vote, and be members of their community. so what is included? fees and admission, entertainment, audio-visual equipment, toys, hobbies, playground equipment. well, damn. not even the cost of taking time off to go vote as any good citizen is supposed to do.

then there is the “other” line. so maybe here is where i am going to see what it costs to be an active member of my community? nope. this is where i get to add in my personal care items and house cleaning items. well shit.

so when i go to the sheet that explains what is in each line item (https://livingwage.mit.edu/resources/Living-Wage-Users-Guide-Technical-Documentation-2022-05-10.pdf) there is a section called broadband that is suppose to include the cost of cellphones and internet, however, i do not see this in the budget sheet. if you see it, please let me know. it is not hard to argue that these are indeed necessities these days. in fact many jobs these days this is how you clock in/out, have required apps for covid screening before coming to work, and finding out if you get a job or have an interview…so

so all the concerns i’ve already listed here are pretty big, but the one that really gets my toes clenched is the one for food, for we are what we eat. also, most people working these lower waged jobs are doing physically demanding work so need good healthy calories. however, the budget here expects that people are choosing the lowest cost foods available and that all meals and snacks are prepared at home. so i wonder if the workers have access to refrigeration to keep their prepared meals from spoiling while they are working? do they have a safe and convienent way to heat their food when it is time? do they have access to adequate time to gather their meals and snacks and consume them without rushing, thereby able to have a healthy digestion process? if they bring meals that don’t need heating, do they have a place to store lunch boxes or small coolers? how about water? access to clean water to refill their own water bottles? then there are people who work extra hours to make up for the low pay, or are working extra due to tight labor shortages or multiple jobs just to make ends meet, hopefully? we may need to eat out sometimes on our way home after long days or between jobs, or single/overworked parents who just want to pick up something on their way home so they can spend more time with their kids.

but the part that really pisses me off is that they specifically expect people to choose the cheapest foods available. and when i go into the standard grocery store, the cheapest foods are loaded up with high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated fats, salt, and so many additives. and we come full circle back to the rda…foods that keep people alive, but not well. the same people with these foods as their options are at higher rates for diabetes, heart disease, diet related illnesses. and the greater community and media blame these same people for making bad choices when they are making the choices from what is available to them. i beg the question, is living wages + rda actually be killing people?

some may ask, yes, but they could grow their own fruits and vegetables. ok where? do we have access to the land or community garden plots? when some folks in high poverty communities try to grow foods in that little strip of land between sidewalk and curb they have been fined, threatened by cops, and forced to remove these fresh foods. which also brings us back to housing and what a place to live allows for besides shelter.

and since we are talking about food and health, cheapest foods are linked to higher healthcare which many people in this income group will not have access to. we make too much to be on a government plan or medicare, but not enough to be on our company’s plan. pretty fucked up if you ask me.

in addition, for someone like me who does not really want to use allopathic care, even if i did spend money on a state funded healthcare, what i want to use isn’t covered, so no acupuncture, no supplements that assist in building my immune system, and certainly not enough for fresh food without pesticides and growth hormones, just prescriptions that are too expensive and have side effects that make me need more prescriptions.

i have a little more room in my food budget by being vegan, as long as i don’t buy processed, prepackaged vegan options i have more room in my budget to buy healthier fresh food options.

if you pull up the charts for the wages, the first chart on the living wage calculations, you notice there are 3 wage groups: living wage, poverty wage, and minimum wage. if you ask me, based on how m.i.t calculated all this, wouldn’t the living wage actually be the minimum wage? and why would we even want anyone anywhere receiving poverty wages? if you ask me,”living wage” is just another form of shifting language to make people (i see you nice white liberals) feel better about what they offer their staff…its marketing. ..

if you ask me, this is one piece of the puzzle to the “labor crisis”. who wants to live like this? and these wages are not just for the entry level jobs like housekeeping which is what i have been doing. i was thinking about getting a teaching certificate due to the teacher shortages, but i would need to pay for more education and receive about the same wages. fuck that.

so if you are still wondering why people supposedly don’t want to work, and why there is a nationwide labor shortage, think on this. also think that more people now need to stay home to care for children, parents, tias, abuelos, friends, selves….

if nothing else, listen to beyoncé’s. new song https://youtu.be/yjki-9Pthh0

p.s.here is a little translation for wages: a $40,000 a year salary (before taxes) comes to $19.23 an hour. so a $15 an hour job comes to $31,200 a year (again before taxes). i base these numbers on 40 hour work weeks, worked over 52 weeks a year because most of these jobs do not offer solid paid days off. also, vacation/time off is not figured into the wage calculator.