i have a complicated relationship with pride. i have enjoyed many massive (and not so massive) gatherings of queer folks celebrating the work it took to get to the point of being less likely to get killed to go flirt. i like to think of pride as one of those memorial moments kind of holidays. when we get to recognize those who came before us who fought for where we are now and recognize the work still to be done. a time to celebrate, but also, perhaps, a time to re-gather re-focus as we re-member for the next push. to let those who come after us know “here are our shoulders, please climb up and go beyond us.” for, as fannie lou hamer taught us, “nobody is free until everybody’s free”.

and  in the words of marsha p. johnson, “no pride for some of us without liberation for all of us.” 

i came fully disillusioned with pride with marriage equality, or equality in general. for me, that was the moment of full-on assimilation politics in queer activism. fighting for “gay marriage” did not give queer folks the same rights as hetero marriage. lawsuit after lawsuit proved that. partners denied healthcare, deported, denied housing, fired. hell, some have even been about who makes the fucking wedding cake!…as far as i can tell, it just adjusted how you might file your taxes. sure, it varies from state to state, job to job. who did benefit? companies who make money off the celebrations. as i’ve said before…i’m all for celebrating people making public the desire to make a go of a consensual committed relationship, however that looks to those involved.

gay marriage was also, perhaps, a reaction to those white middle-classish gays/lesbians reaching for the american dream. i mean, how many times in my early coming out days did people respond with “ya that’s fine, but i’m sad because you’ll never experience marriage and kids…” my usual response was a shrug, but in my head was “who said i wanted any of that?”*

anyway, i’ve gotten distracted…pride has become a piece of the assimilation…rainbow capitalism.

but last night i went to a kick-off to pride event in el paso. it was at the neep collective, a place that has built up a collection of food trucks around an outdoor bar that also includes a decent amount of n/a options. there is a stage, outside games, misting fans, and shade.i had been wanting to check it out, i was hungry, and this seemed a good reason to make the journey south.

i had a nice time. 

i had some vegan foods (even dessert), some good bevies, the non-food vendors were not just a bunch of rainbow paraphernalia. various artists were selling their goods. in fact, really, the only rainbow stuff was at the local pride organization’s table, which is fitting.

between bands, the woman who organizes, maybe one of the owners or managers, came up to the mic to make some announcements and thank people for coming out (i don’t think there was a pun intended there). she said a goal of creating neep, was to create a safe space for people, and she got a little teary with that. and i think that may have been what brought me out last night, i needed a safer place for just a couple hours. a moment where there was one less thing i would have to look over my shoulder about or filter what i overheard around me.

i’ve had mixed feelings about celebrating anything lately with the genocide in gaza escalating exponentially since october. let’s be clear this genocide has been going on since 1948. and it is not the only one happening right now.

i’ve been reflecting on what we have done in the past when other such atrocities have been happening, and one constant has been that we must also keep living and creating. while we celebrate, we must bring other voices with us, just as we must bring all parts of ourselves. i recently found an interesting piece of inspiration in albert camus. i stumbled across his essay called “create dangerously: the power and responsibility of the artist”.

there are a few lines that hit in a particular way, “…beauty has never enslaved anyone. quite the opposite. on every day, at every moment, for thousands of years, beauty has consoled millions of people in their servitude, and, sometimes even freed some of them forever.” 

we find this tension between beauty and pain over and over again in stories of not just the tortured artist, but in music, poetry, and traditional stories throughout the ages of survival and triumph of the “common folk”. 

it is this final paragraph of the essay that hits hard for me, …” hope is awakened, given life, sustained, by the millions of individuals whose deeds and actions, every day, break down borders and refute the worst moments in history, to allow the truth – which is always in danger – to shine brightly, even if only fleetingly, the truth, which every individual builds for us all, created out of suffering and joy.”

again, this tension is something all of us hold whether we consider ourselves artists or not. it is the beauty we each hold within us, our purpose in life is to create, to participate in the beauty that is in this world full of life.

i feel that the queer community, specifically those of us who want to break down the gender binary (hell, let’s be honest, all binaries) has a unique opportunity. we should be able to see through the pink and rainbow washing used to manipulate us into being against the people of gaza. on a personal note, it was a group of queer jewish people, born in israel that deepened my awareness of what has been happening in palestine. they had even been part of the israeli military as required by the government. speaking out and letting people know what has been happening, they believed was part of their responsibility.

it is for these reasons that i believe it is important to use this time, the month of pride, when we are given more opportunities to speak out and up, to use this privileged place to speak out for those whose voices are being drowned out. when those using social media to inform us around the world about the violence perpetrated by those using mass media to lie and manipulate, to literally kill the press and justify violence, we use art, beauty, creativity to shine a light on the truth. as queer folk, we have a unique lens to project the stories needed to get out.

those of us who have any leverage of privilege, of a platform within our oppression, have a responsibility to use it. freedom, such as it is, does have a responsibility. it is what true democracy looks like. true democracy is taking to the streets, or writing a story, or speaking out, dancing, or more than anything, listening when others are saying “this is wrong and here is what needs to happen”. instead of saying not all ______ say yup we are also complacent and responsible regardless of intention. as long as we live in this system, we have to be accountable.

for that is where assimilation politics is really masterful. “here is your right to____, now get in line behind us”. and we do. we get in line and pay the taxes that pay for the bombs, the soldiers, the cops. for if the right to ____ really made a difference, we would not have been “given” it. we will never be given a right that gives us any leverage to actually change the system that depends on obedience….so disobey. create. create dangerously. like your life depends on it, because your authentic, the life that truly matters, does.

so yes, i think, pride in a time of genocide is possible, but it should not be just another decadent over-priced party.

*full disclosure. i did have a commitment ceremony with my first partner-partner. in a way it was part of a joke. a story i can tell you some day if your interested, but mostly it was one of those things you do in a relationship, sometimes, a compromise that seemed fine. it was extremely important to her, i didn’t think one way or another then. it wasn’t a legal issues, just us making a public commitment to one another…an agreement and an ask for support for those who attended. when that agreement ended, so did the relationship. no lawyers or paperwork needed. just the mending of two broken hearts.

**disobedience looks different for us all. i don’t know that taking to the streets is for me anymore. i’ve done so much of that already but never say never. for some it can be encampments on campus (we built shanty towns in response to the apartheid in south africa), it can be marches, signs outside as we picket a company or government. it can be making food behind the scenes, or hugs when our friends return, it is self-care, its child-care, elder care, its fighting for clean air and water so we have a future to live in, it can be stepping in when someone says something harmful, its learning what our neighbor needs to feel safer, if the power goes out are they on some life giving system that needs attention, does their battery on an motorized wheelchair need charged/changed, or refrigerated medication. maybe it is a long run or bike ride to feel better prepared to face the world on a regular basis,  (i see you, fellow customer service folks who experience the best and worse in people every dang day and it is exhausting), its teachers, its feeding yourself, or family,….there are endless ways to take action. each persons’ gift is unique. this is no place for shame. just please respond grounded and intentional.